Seeing the field while chopping down trees; also, a hot girl

Up front, this is one of those pieces that may be horrid, or passable, perhaps. It sounded like a great idea in my head three days ago, but then RedState came out with something similar yesterday, so although I have zero digital thunder, any of it that I theoretically have has been stolen.

The idea is to list the current crop of GOPers that are slated to lose to Fred-6 in a year and a half, and then explain why they are or are not viable candidates. I started thinking about this after having read my 10,000th comment thread about how Mitch Daniels keeps getting shortchanged by Cons like z’King, that he’s actually a hardcore conservative and blalalalalalalal. Then Rush Limbaugh took calls from every listener from Indiana this week, all of them praising Daniels as some kind of demi-god fiscal-con, which I’m sure is true.

It overlooks one simple reasons why he has forever been on my blacklist with Newt and RoPa regarding POTUS aspirations: the man was knowingly cuckolded by his wife, she left him and he took her back. People’s personal decisions are theirs, but we’re not talking about running for comptroller or school board, we’re talking about someone who will take on Fred-6 and, if victorious, have to deal with the weakening of America’s interests globally – cuckold may not mean anything to many Americans, but it still resonates around the world, and it sure as hell resonates at z’KBL and z’GOC – ergo, no Daniels.

So, here are some, er, rankings, I guess. I don’t know who can beat Fred-6, but it’s speculation. Here are the basic components I rank each potential candidate on:

  1. Are the Conservatives? Fiscally? Socially? FoPo? Also – are they kooks (see RoPa)? Are they Pro Life? If they aren’t Pro Life and Conservative, they might as well be kooks, because they’re unelectable as GOPers.
  2. Can they troll? Let me be honest – right now, I don’t think any of the people trying to get to second-base with the Conservative lovers out there have a chance – it’s already getting late in the game … but, that doesn’t mean they can’t give it the old college try, and better yet, it doesn’t mean they can’t draw rhetorical blood in head-to-head debates with Fred-6. Precious few people have had this opportunity – Joe z’Plumber remains an icon of the Right because he lulled Fred-6 into an easy trap, and he did grave damage – not deadly, but grave. Sarah Palin trolls Fred-6 effortlessly, which is why – at the end of the day – she gets support from so many Conservative men who loathe Fred-6. If our candidate can’t win, can they make Fred-6 stutter, stammer, “let me be clear,” “pay grade” and so forth, to at least add some sustenance to our healthy treasure trove of “he’s not that bright” evidence.
  3. If a POTUS race is sexual intercourse, do they prefer going down on their opponent while building self-esteem, or do they see the race as one giant pump-n-dump, caring little how their opponent and said opponent’s supporters feel after the whole thing is finished? John McCain was the classic example of a POTUS-race handjob supplier extraordinaire – he made the girl feel extra safe that he wouldn’t bring up those three abortions or that video she made in college. We want a candidate who has no qualms being impolite in a poorly-framed polite conversation.

Have I lost you yet? If not, well, shame on you. Anyway, here’s where I’m putt my hope for change:

  1. Sarah Palin – it’s still her nomination if she wants it. Don’t blame her if she doesn’t want it, but no plausible candidate has more skin in this game than she does, and she’s a Pro Life fiscal Conservative who hits it out of the park when she chooses to play the game.
  2. Herman Cain. His candidacy is obscure and in its infancy – if Palin declares she’s not running and gets behind Cain, expect PalinNation to follow. Whether or not she gets behind him, if she bows out, expect z’King to immediately follow. Yes, I know about his view on TARP. I also know that he cannot stand Fred-6 and doesn’t offer due respect – good enough for me.
  3. T-Paw – the only White Guy I have much interest in. Yeah, he’s boring, but he’s atoned for his capntrade sins and after 28 months with Mr. Excitement, I don’t think boring is necessarily bad. If we have to have an Interchangable White Guy, this is the IWG we want.
  4. Mitch Daniels – if you can get past my objection, remember this: this country will not elect a short, bald, white guy POTUS, especially when he’s a Beta male extraordinairre. Sorry, ain’t happening.
  5. Newt – see also, “Bench: Nancy, Newt and Climate Change.”
  6. Donald Trump – his trolling is done, he did what was needed. I hope he keeps doing his business, but now that he got the POTUS to release the Birth-Cert, his work is complete. In the second week of November 2012, we can sit around staring at the half-empty bottle of Bombay Sapphire and with a rueful wistfulness say, “We’ll always have Trump.”
  7. Rick Santorum – no.
  8. Chris Christie – media darling fat guy, so I hate him on site. Ann Coulter will lose 20 percent off her normal book sales for her upcoming release based on her shameless flogging for this guy. I love Ann, but she lost one First Edition Hardback sale with me over this guy.
  9. Huck – yes, I’ll vote for him if he runs and wins the nom. Yes, I will throw up in my mouth because he’s a social-con, also known as a Conservative’s Liberal. I would vote for him, though.
  10. Ron Paul – no. See also: Kook, He’s A.
  11. Michelle Bachman – Hell yes I’ll vote for her if she wins the nom. Some Palinistas see her as a bit of a traitor – I do not. If z’Cuda gets in and Bachman fight her tooth and nail, then I’ll turn on her. Not until then, though.

I think that’s about it. I might be missing someone, but I doubt it. Cuda, Cain and T-Paw are our only inside and outside chances – the rest of the field isn’t very good.


About godsowncrunk
I'm King B, the originator of the Jellywhite lyrical style and god's own crunk.

4 Responses to Seeing the field while chopping down trees; also, a hot girl

  1. Montana says:

    Sarah Palin was so successful as a governor (The Bitter Quitter), she graduated early, she real is a “Dan Quayle” in heels. She clearly loves “dishing it out” but real can’t take it because she loves playing the victim card, poor thing. She fail as a VP candidate (her lie that her daughter was engaged was such a farce), her stand-up comic fiasco on the Jay Leno Show, please, her TV show canceled after declining rating, I guess running for Prez is the only thing she can look forward to, but since she is a coward she will only throw small minded rocks, poor thing.

  2. godsowncrunk says:

    So I take it you’re not a fan of Sarah Palin?

  3. Eric says:

    While we are very close on ideology, here’s where I think you and I differ when it comes to strategy. You say:

    “John McCain was the classic example of a POTUS-race handjob supplier extraordinaire…”

    I think a big part of McCain’s loss was the common perception that he and Palin had become “too mean” in pursuit of political victory. People who vote who also don’t follow politics closely break down in two camps: the ones who are going to vote for their party regardless of who is running or why, and the independents. Since the independents are the only ones who can be swayed by political marketing machines, they are the ones you have to convince, and I just don’t think the voters in the big midwestern toss up states who decide elections will ever respond well to “pump and dump” political rhetoric. The base will always eat it up, as will the red staters… but we already know how those folks are voting.

    What we need is somebody who can break down Obama’s policies and politics in a way that make him look stupid and out of touch… without calling him stupid and out of touch. “Palling around with terrorists.” is going to hurt more than it helps every single time. “Appoints advisors to prominent positions who are more radically liberal than 90% of America’s liberal Democrats…” is going to play better with independents, but playing that card properly requires employing a bit of rhetorical constraint, lest it become, “takes advice from pinko commies.”

  4. Pingback: GOP Horserace: Introducing The ‘Cuda Scale for indexing Conservative passion | King B Live

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